Do Unbelieving Kids Disqualify Church Leaders?

Published On: July 18, 2025

REFORMED PERSPECTIVES ON 1 TIMOTHY 3 AND ELDER QUALIFICATIONS

Every pastor knows the heartbreak. A faithful elder who has served the church for decades watches his adult son walk away from the faith. A potential elder candidate, exemplary in every way, hesitates to accept nomination because his teenage daughter has been rebelling against Christian values. The question troubles many church leaders: do unbelieving or disobedient children disqualify someone from church leadership?

This isn’t merely an academic question—it strikes at the heart of pastoral ministry and touches some of our deepest fears as Christian parents. The stakes are high: we want biblical fidelity in our leadership standards, but we also recognise even the most faithful parents can have wayward children.

DO UNBELIEVING KIDS DISQUALIFY CHUCH LEADERS? WHAT SCRIPTURE ACTUALLY SAYS

The key passages appear in Paul’s instructions to Timothy and Titus about elder qualifications (1 Timothy 3:4-5 and Titus 1:6). At first glance, these passages seem to create an impossible standard. If an elder’s children must be believers and submissive, doesn’t that disqualify any leader whose children have rejected the faith? The Reformed tradition offers a more nuanced—and ultimately more biblical—understanding.

THE HEART OF THE MATTER: FAITHFULNESS, NOT RESULTS

The Reformed understanding rests on a crucial distinction: God holds us accountable for our faithfulness, not for outcomes we cannot control. As John Stott wisely observed, “The question is not whether a man’s children are perfect, but whether he has been faithful in his parental duties.”

This principle runs throughout Scripture. Noah was righteous, yet his son Ham dishonoured him. David was a man after God’s own heart, yet his son Absalom rebelled against him. Even God the Father is described as having rebellious children in Isaiah 1:2: “I reared children and brought them up, but they have rebelled against me.” If we judged parental faithfulness solely by children’s outcomes, we would have to conclude God Himself failed as a parent.

UNDERSTANDING “HOUSEHOLD MANAGEMENT”

The Greek word Paul uses for “manage” in 1 Timothy 3:4 is proistemi, which means to lead, direct, or superintend. The focus is on the elder’s leadership character and capability, not on his ability to guarantee specific outcomes. As John MacArthur explains, “The issue is not the spiritual condition of the children, but the spiritual leadership of the father.”

When Paul speaks of keeping children “submissive” (hypotage), he’s referring to appropriate behavioural submission while they’re under parental authority—not conversion or lifelong faith. The parallel Paul draws is telling: just as an elder cannot force church members to believe, he cannot force his children to believe. But he can demonstrate faithful leadership in both contexts.

INTERPRETING “BELIEVING CHILDREN”

The phrase “believing children” in Titus 1:6 has sparked considerable debate. The Greek term tekna pista can mean either “believing children” or “faithful/trustworthy children.” DA Carson argues “the term ‘faithful’ here likely refers to reliability and trustworthiness rather than saving faith.”

This interpretation makes sense in context. Paul’s concern is protecting the church from accusations of poor leadership. An elder whose children are known for debauchery or insubordination would bring reproach on the gospel. But an elder whose adult children have made different faith choices—while remaining respectful and moral—presents no such scandal.

Thomas Schreiner captures this well: “Paul’s concern is with the reputation and demonstrated leadership ability of the potential elder.”

THE WISDOM OF AGE DISTINCTION

Contemporary Reformed scholars consistently emphasise the importance of distinguishing between minor children and adult children. As John Piper notes, “Once children reach adulthood, their spiritual choices reflect their own hearts, not their parents’ qualifications.”

This distinction aligns with biblical anthropology. Children under parental authority are expected to submit to family structure and values. Adult children, however, bear full responsibility for their own spiritual choices. To hold parents accountable for their adult children’s faith would violate the biblical principle of individual responsibility before God.

DO UNBELIEVING KIDS DISQUALIFY CHUCH LEADERS? THE REFORMED CONSENSUS

John Calvin, the father of Reformed theology, addressed this issue with characteristic wisdom. He emphasised we must evaluate parental faithfulness, not children’s final outcomes. In his Institutes, Calvin wrote principles that apply here: “We are not to judge the faithfulness of parents by the final outcome of their children’s choices.”

Calvin understood faithful parenting provides no guarantee of faithful children—a truth that should comfort struggling parents while maintaining appropriate leadership standards.

Leading Reformed scholars today consistently support this understanding. Tim Keller explains: “The qualification focuses on whether the man has been a faithful father, not whether his children have made faithful choices.”

Sinclair Ferguson adds: “The text evaluates the elder’s character, not his children’s conversion.”

RC Sproul made the crucial distinction: “We must distinguish between the covenant faithfulness of the parent and the personal faith of the child.”

These voices represent the mainstream Reformed position: elder qualifications focus on the candidate’s character, faithfulness, and demonstrated leadership ability.

PRACTICAL APPLICATION

How should churches apply this understanding?

Evaluate the elder’s faithfulness in parenting. Has he been consistent in discipline, instruction, and example? Has he created a home environment that honours Christ? Has he fulfilled his covenant responsibilities as a father?
Consider the age and circumstances of the children. Minor children living at home should demonstrate appropriate submission to parental authority. Adult children, however, make their own spiritual choices.
Assess any potential scandal. Would this elder’s family situation bring reproach on the gospel or undermine his leadership effectiveness? The answer often depends on how the elder has handled family challenges with grace and wisdom.

As Paul Tripp reminds us: “Faithful parenting is no guarantee of faithful children, but it is always our calling.”

A WORD OF HOPE

This interpretation offers hope to faithful parents whose children have wandered. Our faithfulness as a parent—and our qualifications for church leadership—aren’t determined by our children’s spiritual choices. God knows the difference between faithful stewardship and guaranteed outcomes.

For churches, this understanding allows for wise, pastoral discernment in leadership selection. We can maintain high standards while avoiding the impossible burden of guaranteeing conversion in our leaders’ families.

DO UNBELIEVING KIDS DISQUALIFY CHUCH LEADERS? THE BIBLICAL BALANCE

The Reformed tradition’s approach to the question reflects deep biblical wisdom. It maintains appropriately high standards for church leadership while recognising the limits of human responsibility. It protects the church from scandal while offering hope to faithful parents.

As Martyn Lloyd-Jones observed: “The church needs leaders who understand both the demands of faithfulness and the pain of disappointed hopes.” This balance serves the church well. It ensures elders demonstrate proven leadership character. It also acknowledges even the most faithful parents cannot control their children’s hearts. Only God can.

In the end, the question isn’t whether our children follow Jesus—it’s whether we’ve been faithful in leading them toward him. That faithfulness, demonstrated over time, qualifies a man for church leadership. The rest belongs to God’s sovereign grace.

DO UNBELIEVING KIDS DISQUALIFY CHUCH LEADERS? RELATED FAQs

What if an elder’s child becomes an atheist or joins another religion as an adult? Adult children’s religious choices reflect their own spiritual journey, not their parents’ qualifications for ministry. The Reformed tradition emphasises that once children reach adulthood, they bear full responsibility for their faith decisions before God. As long as the elder faithfully discharged his parental duties during their formative years, his leadership qualifications remain intact. The key question is whether he was he a faithful covenant parent, not whether his adult children remain in the faith.

Should an elder step down if his teenage child gets involved in serious sin (drugs, sexual immorality, etc.)? This depends on the elder’s response and the child’s age. If the elder handles the situation with biblical wisdom—implementing appropriate discipline, seeking help, and demonstrating gospel grace—it may actually validate his leadership qualifications. However, if the situation creates ongoing scandal that undermines his effectiveness, temporary stepping down might be wise. The Reformed approach focuses on whether the elder’s response demonstrates the character qualities necessary for church leadership, not on preventing all family problems.
How do we handle the situation where an elder’s spouse disagrees with church discipline of their adult child? This scenario tests both the elder’s household management and his commitment to church standards. The Reformed position holds an elder must be able to lead his household in supporting church discipline, even when it affects family members. If his spouse’s opposition creates division that undermines church unity or his leadership effectiveness, this could indicate a disqualifying breakdown in household management. The elder’s ability to navigate the situation with both family love and pastoral responsibility demonstrates his fitness for office.

What about cultural contexts where children are expected to remain in the family faith? Cultural expectations don’t change biblical principles, but they may affect how we apply them. In cultures where religious apostasy brings severe family shame, churches should exercise extra pastoral wisdom in evaluating situations. The Reformed approach still focuses on the elder’s faithfulness in parenting and his character response to challenges. However, the potential for cultural scandal may require more careful consideration of timing and circumstances in leadership decisions.

Can we become elders if our children left the faith before our own conversion? Absolutely. The elder qualification passages assume the candidate was a believer during his active parenting years. If someone’s children made their spiritual choices before his conversion, those outcomes cannot be attributed to his Christian parenting since he wasn’t yet a believer. The Reformed tradition emphasises God’s grace transforms both individuals and families, and post-conversion faithfulness in any remaining parental responsibilities demonstrates the character necessary for eldership.
How do we distinguish between normal teenage rebellion and disqualifying behaviour? The Reformed perspective recognises some teenage rebellion is developmentally normal and doesn’t necessarily disqualify parents from leadership. The key distinctions are severity, duration, and parental response. Minor rebellion handled with appropriate discipline and grace may actually demonstrate good parenting. However, persistent rebellion that involves serious sin, brings scandal to the church, or reveals fundamental failures in parental leadership could indicate disqualification. The focus remains on evaluating the parent’s character and response rather than controlling teenage behaviour.

What if an elder’s adult child publicly attacks the church or Christianity? This painful situation requires careful pastoral discernment. If the elder responds with grace, maintains appropriate boundaries, and continues to demonstrate Christ-like character, his leadership qualifications may remain intact. However, if the situation creates ongoing disruption to church ministry or undermines his effectiveness, temporary stepping down might be necessary. The Reformed approach emphasises an elder’s character is often most clearly revealed in how he handles family trials, and faithful responses to painful circumstances can actually strengthen his ministry credentials.

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