Jacob worked 14 years to marry the beautiful sister. But God sent the Saviour of the world through the sister he didn’t want.
Read that again. It’s one of the most surprising facts in the Bible. And it speaks straight into a question many Christians are scared to ask out loud: What if I am not very attracted to the person I am marrying? Or worse: What if I am not attracted to the person I already married?
Our world has a simple answer: no spark, no marriage. If you don’t feel it, walk away. Some Christians give the opposite answer: looks don’t matter at all, and wanting an attractive spouse is shallow. Both answers miss the mark. Here’s where we will land:
THE SHORT ANSWER
Physical attraction is a good gift from God, and He wants it to grow inside marriage. But it’s not a condition you must meet before you can marry. What makes a marriage is a covenant—a binding promise made before God. Once we’re married, delighting in our spouse isn’t just a feeling to wait for. It’s a duty to grow.
First, What Do We Mean?
People often mix these four ideas together. The Bible keeps them apart.
4 Words That Are Easy to Confuse
| WORD | WHAT IT MEANS IN SIMPLE ENGLISH | IS IT GOOD? |
|---|---|---|
| Physical attraction | Finding a person’s body and looks pleasing | Yes, when it is aimed at the right person |
| Lust | Wanting someone sexually who is not yours to have (Matthew 5:28) | No, it is sin |
| Chemistry or ‘the spark’ | A strong, exciting feeling, usually at the start of a relationship | It can be pleasant, but it does not last on its own |
| Covenant love | A love that keeps its promise, even when feelings are low | Yes, this is what holds a marriage together |
Lust grabs. Attraction, rightly aimed, gives thanks. So our question is not, ‘Is attraction good?’ It is, ‘Must it be there before a marriage can be godly?’
What Actually Makes a Marriage?
What turns two people into husband and wife? A feeling? A spark? Malachi 2:14 gives a different answer. Speaking of a man’s wife, God says:
she is your companion and your wife by covenant
Malachi 2:14
KEY TERM: COVENANT
A covenant is a serious, binding promise made before God. A contract says, ‘I will do my part if you do yours.’ A covenant says, ‘I will keep my promise even when it costs me.’ God’s love for His people is covenant love, and marriage is meant to picture it.
Genesis 2:24 gives the basic shape of marriage: a man shall ‘leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.’ Leave. Hold fast. Become one. There is not one word about how the couple felt when they first met.
The Westminster Confession of Faith (1646), a summary of Bible teaching written by English and Scottish church leaders, agrees. It says marriage was given ‘for the mutual help of husband and wife; for the increase of mankind with a legitimate issue, and of the church with an holy seed; and for preventing of uncleanness’ (24.2). In plain words: to help each other, to have children and raise them in the faith, and to stay away from sexual sin.
And who may marry? ‘All sorts of people… who are able with judgement to give their consent. Yet it is the duty of Christians to marry only in the Lord’ (24.3). Only two things are required: a clear mind that freely says ‘yes’, and marrying a fellow believer. Attraction is not on the list.
This matches Paul: a widow ‘is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord’ (1 Corinthians 7:39). You are free to use your own taste. But the only hard rule is ‘in the Lord’.
God Is Not Against Beauty
Before anyone thinks the Bible is cold about looks, let us be fair. God made beauty, and He is not embarrassed by it.
- The first love song. Seeing Eve, Adam bursts out: ‘This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh’ (Genesis 2:23).
- Beautiful wives. The Bible openly calls Sarah, Rebekah and Rachel beautiful (Genesis 12:11; 24:16; 29:17).
- A whole book of desire. In the Song of Songs a husband tells his bride, ‘You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you’ (4:7).
- A command to enjoy. ‘Rejoice in the wife of your youth… be intoxicated always in her love’ (Proverbs 5:18–19).
Matthew Henry, the much-loved English Bible commentator (1662–1714), saw tenderness even in how Eve was made. She was taken, he wrote, ‘out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.’ Attraction is part of God’s good design.
But Beauty Is Not the Foundation
The same Bible that praises beauty also warns us not to build on it.
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Proverbs 31:30
For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7
Peter points to ‘the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit’ (1 Peter 3:4). Imperishable means ‘cannot spoil or rot’. Outward beauty fades in every single person. The inner beauty God creates does not.
Most striking of all, Isaiah says of Jesus: ‘he had no form or majesty that we should look at him, and no beauty that we should desire him’ (Isaiah 53:2). The loveliest person who ever lived did not win hearts with His face. Hold both truths together. Drop either one and you fall into a ditch.
Leah: The Woman Jacob Did Not Want
Back to our opening story. ‘Leah’s eyes were weak, but Rachel was beautiful’ (Genesis 29:17). No one is quite sure what ‘weak’ means here, but the point is clear: Rachel was the beauty, and Jacob loved her.
Jacob was tricked into marrying Leah first, then married Rachel too. Then comes a verse that should stop us: ‘When the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb’ (Genesis 29:31). ‘Hated’ here means ‘loved less’. Jacob looked past Leah. God looked straight at her.
Timeline: Leah’s First Four Sons (Genesis 29:32–35)
- Son 1, Reuben: ‘now my husband will love me.’ She hopes a son will win Jacob’s heart.
- Son 2, Simeon: ‘the LORD has heard that I am hated.’ She is still waiting.
- Son 3, Levi: ‘Now this time my husband will be attached to me.’ Still hoping.
- Son 4, Judah: ‘This time I will praise the LORD.’ At last her eyes move from her husband to her God.
From Levi came Israel’s priests. From Judah came King David and, in time, Jesus Christ, the Messiah (the promised Saviour). God built the royal line of His Son through the wife who was not chosen for her looks. Meanwhile, Jacob’s open favouritism towards Rachel, and later her son Joseph, filled the family with jealousy for years (Genesis 30; 37).
WHAT LEAH TEACHES US
People rank each other by looks. God does not. The person the world passes over may be the very person God plans to use greatly. If God saw and honoured Leah, no believer should treat a less attractive spouse as second best.
When the Eyes Choose Alone
Again and again in Scripture, when people choose by sight alone, trouble follows.
Choosing by Sight: Four Bible Examples
| WHO | WHAT THEY SAW | WHAT FOLLOWED |
|---|---|---|
| The ‘sons of God’ (Genesis 6:2) | ‘the daughters of man were attractive’ | Growing wickedness that led to the Flood |
| Samson (Judges 14:3) | A Philistine woman: ‘she is right in my eyes’ | A chain of disasters ending in blindness and death |
| David (2 Samuel 11:2) | Bathsheba, who ‘was very beautiful’ | Adultery, murder and years of family sorrow |
| Jacob (Genesis 29–37) | Rachel, ‘beautiful in form and appearance’ | Rivalry between wives and favouritism among sons |
None of these stories says attraction is evil. They show that when attraction sits on the throne, it makes a cruel king.
Love That Comes After the Wedding
Many readers in India, Asia and Africa will know this story well. Isaac did not choose his bride. His father’s servant found Rebekah, and Isaac met her only when she arrived (Genesis 24). Then:
Then Isaac brought her into the tent of Sarah his mother and took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he loved her.
Genesis 24:67
Read the order carefully. He took her. She became his wife. And he loved her. The love came after the wedding.
For most of history, families have arranged marriages, and many of these grew deep and lasting love. Not every arranged marriage is wise. But it shows that love can be grown, not just found.
Love Is a Command, Not Just a Feeling
God commands husbands: ‘love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her’ (Ephesians 5:25). You cannot command a feeling that simply comes and goes. A command means love is something we choose and do.
Paul also tells older women to ‘train the young women to love their husbands’ (Titus 2:4). Train! Love can be learned, like a skill. Even Proverbs 5:19 is a command: ‘be intoxicated always in her love.’ God does not say, ‘Wait and see if you feel it.’ He says, ‘Go after it.’
Richard Baxter, the English Puritan pastor (1615–1691), told married couples to ‘keep up your conjugal love in a constant heat and vigour.’ (Conjugal means ‘belonging to marriage’.) Do not let married love go cold. Feed the fire.
Five Ways to Grow Attraction in Marriage
- Look on purpose. Notice what is lovely in your spouse, and say it out loud.
- Guard your eyes. Comparing your spouse with others, especially on screens, slowly kills delight.
- Give thanks. Thank God for your spouse’s body and character, by name, in prayer.
- Serve. We grow to love what we give ourselves to.
- Make an effort. The married man cares ‘how to please his wife’, and the married woman ‘how to please her husband’ (1 Corinthians 7:33–34).
Christ’s Love Makes Beautiful
Now we reach the heart of it. Ephesians 5 compares marriage to Christ and the church. Did Christ love the church because she was already beautiful? No. He gave Himself for her ‘so that he might present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle’ (Ephesians 5:27). His love comes first. Her beauty follows.
Ezekiel 16 tells the same story. God finds Israel like an abandoned baby, unwashed and unwanted. He cleans her, clothes her and crowns her. Her beauty, He says, was ‘perfect through the splendour that I had bestowed on you’ (Ezekiel 16:14).
Martin Luther, the German pastor who sparked the Reformation, put it in one famous sentence: ‘The love of God does not find, but creates, that which is pleasing to it.’ We love what we already find pleasing. God’s love makes things pleasing.
Timothy Keller applied this to marriage. Christian love, he wrote, looks at another person, glimpses who God is shaping them to be, and says, ‘I see who God is making you, and it excites me!’
THE GOSPEL TEST
If Christ had waited for us to become attractive before He loved us, none of us would be saved. Christian husbands and wives are called to love like Him: with a love that makes beautiful, not a love that only rewards beauty. As John Piper puts it, men are called to be faithful the way Jesus is faithful to His bride.
What If Attraction Were Required?
Let us test the other view. Suppose attraction must be present for a marriage to be godly. What follows?
- Plain people could not marry. Many godly people would be shut out of marriage because of their faces, as John Piper points out.
- Every marriage would have an expiry date. Everyone ages. Hair thins, skin wrinkles, bodies change.
- Sickness would end marriages. A stroke or an accident can change a body overnight. ‘In sickness and in health’ would become a lie.
- The divorce rules would change. Jesus allows divorce for sexual unfaithfulness (Matthew 19:9); Paul adds desertion by an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:15). ‘I no longer find you attractive’ is not on the list.
Each result clashes with Scripture. So the starting idea must be wrong.
The Strongest Objection
To be fair, there is a serious objection. Paul says marriage guards against sexual sin: ‘it is better to marry than to burn with passion’ (1 Corinthians 7:9). He also tells couples to give each other their ‘conjugal rights’ (7:3), meaning their sexual relationship. Doesn’t that mean desire matters a great deal?
Yes, it does. A marriage where one partner feels real disgust towards the other will struggle with one of God’s purposes for marriage. So how do we put this together?
UNWISE ISN’T THE SAME AS SINFUL
If you are single: It is wise to look for someone you can delight in. It is unwise to marry someone you find repellent.
But remember: It is not a sin to marry someone who is not your ‘type’. A small spark that can grow is enough. You do not need fireworks.
If you are married: Lack of attraction is never a reason to leave. It is a call to grow.
Some openness to desire matters. The world’s idea of chemistry, strong and instant and based on looks, does not.
Two Ditches and the Road Between
Three Ways to Think About Attraction
| Aspect | DITCH 1: ‘LOOKS DON’T MATTER’ | THE BIBLE’S ROAD | DITCH 2: ‘LOOKS ARE EVERYTHING’ |
|---|---|---|---|
| View of attraction | Unspiritual, even shameful | A good gift to receive and grow | The foundation of the relationship |
| What happens | Couples feel guilty for wanting delight; marriages grow cold | Couples choose wisely, then grow delight on purpose | People ‘fall out of love’ and leave when looks fade |
| Verses it ignores | Proverbs 5:19; Song of Songs | None: it holds Proverbs 5:19 and 31:30 together | 1 Samuel 16:7; Proverbs 31:30 |
So, Is Physical Attraction in Marriage Necessary?
No, physical attraction is not a requirement for a godly marriage. Two believers who freely promise themselves to each other before God are truly married, sparks or no sparks. But attraction is not unimportant either. God made it, God commands married couples to enjoy it, and Christ’s kind of love grows delight where it was weak.
- For singles: Do not marry on looks alone. And do not reject a godly person only because they are not the ‘ten’ the world tells you to want. Ask: Do I respect this person? Can I grow to delight in them?
- For the married: If attraction has faded, do not panic and do not run. Pray. Look on purpose. Serve. Ask God for eyes like His.
Remember Leah. Jacob did not see her. God did. And through her came the Saviour who loved an unlovely bride and made her beautiful. That is the love every Christian marriage is meant to show the world.
Tough Questions, Honest Answers
Is it a sin to not feel attracted to my spouse?
No. A feeling on its own is not a sin. Feelings rise and fall with tiredness, stress, illness and age. What matters is what you do next. Sin enters when you stop trying to love, hold yourself back from your spouse (1 Corinthians 7:5), or let your eyes wander to others. So treat low attraction as a call to action, not a reason for guilt or despair. Bring it to God in prayer, and choose acts of love each day.
Can physical attraction really grow after marriage?
Yes. Many couples find their attraction grows deeper over the years. As you share life, trust, children, trials and laughter, your spouse’s face becomes tied to all those memories. Their body becomes the body of your closest friend. This is part of what the Bible means by ‘one flesh’. Attraction that grows this way is often stronger than the early spark, because it is built on knowing, not guessing.
What if my spouse’s body has changed since we married?
This happens to every couple, through pregnancy, illness, weight gain or simply growing older. Your vow was made to a person, not to a shape. Paul says husbands ‘should love their wives as their own bodies’ (Ephesians 5:28), and none of us stops caring for our own body when it changes. Gently encouraging healthy habits together is fine, but your love must not depend on results. Speak kindly, never with shame or comparison. Your faithful delight may be the very thing that helps your spouse feel at home in their body again.
How does pornography affect attraction to one’s spouse?
Pornography trains your eyes to want something no real person can be. The images are edited, staged and endless, so a real husband or wife can start to seem dull by comparison. It is one of the great killers of married delight today. Jesus calls lustful looking adultery of the heart (Matthew 5:28). The way back is repentance, honest confession, real accountability, and filling your eyes again with the spouse God gave you. Many couples find attraction returns as the habit is broken.
Should I tell my spouse I’m struggling with attraction?
Honesty matters in marriage, but so does wisdom in how you are honest. Saying ‘I’m not attracted to you’ can wound deeply and may not help. It is often wiser first to bring the struggle to God and to a trusted pastor or mature friend of the same sex. Ask whether the real problem is in your spouse, or in your own heart, habits or tiredness. If you do talk with your spouse, speak about growing together, not about their faults. Let your words build up, never tear down (Ephesians 4:29).
Is it wrong to end a courtship because there is no attraction?
Not by itself. Before marriage there is no covenant yet, and Paul gives believers freedom to marry ‘whom she wishes’ (1 Corinthians 7:39). Ending a relationship kindly and honestly is not a sin. But check your reasons. Are you rejecting a godly person because they do not match a worldly standard of beauty? If so, pray about whether your expectations need to change. And always end things with respect, never with cruel words about their looks.
Is lack of attraction biblical grounds for divorce?
No. Jesus allows divorce for sexual unfaithfulness (Matthew 19:9), and Paul adds desertion by an unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15). Loss of attraction appears on neither list. You promised to love ‘for better, for worse’, and fading attraction is one of the ‘worse’ seasons many couples face. God strongly warns against breaking faith with the spouse of your youth (Malachi 2:14–16), but He also loves to restore struggling marriages. If you are in this place, seek help from your pastor before resentment grows.
Related Reads
- What Does the Bible Say About Exercise? More Than You Think
- What Does the Bible Say About Dating, Courtship and Marriage?
- Does God Have A Specific Person in Mind to Be My Spouse?
- What Does Ephesians 5:21 Mean for Husbands and Wives?
- The Divine Romance: Christ and His Church in the Song of Solomon
- How To Break Free From Pornography: A Christian Perspective
- Grounds For Divorce: Does the Bible Affirm More Than Two?
- Saving a Hasty Marriage: God’s Perspective
- Unequally Yoked in Marriage: Recipe for Disaster?
- How To Deal With Lustful Thoughts: A Christian Deepdive
